#2 -- How I Arrived Here

I thought I might mention how I ended up here.

I flopped around for a couple years after my 10 marriage ended. I was scraping by with money and living in a dirty little apartment complex that the police were all too familiar with. Still, I was managing on my own, taking care of my two children, working and trying to meet someone.

I think often times people date who they know, who they see, the people that end up somehow in their everyday lives. So, as I lived in the dirty apartment complex, that is the type of men I met. I played the game. I fell for the charms of a recovered addict, and told myself that the people around me were more authentic than the ones I had known in suburbia where I had come from. In that part of town where no one had any money, and every one was scraping by-- if you were a drunk, you were a drunk, no one tried to hide it.

I had lived for so many years with people being so concerned about thier outer images that maybe they forgot to match them up to who they actually are. I was even married to that.

So, I floundered around trying to find what I had been missing. I was starved for some type of love and affection, appreciation. I was crawling, clawing my way through the desert, dying of thirst, so pretty much the first man that came along was my water.

What a disaster that was! The "recovered" addict still took pain pills everyday, smoked reefer when he could get his hands on it, and drank more than his fair share. I, of course, did not hear this directly from the "recovered" addict, but instead from one of his friends who also insinuated that I was being used and conned.

It cost me a whole lot of pain and heartbreak, as well as money to lose that relationship.

I kept going from one relationship to the next with these extreme ups and downs. There were days when I felt cheated, and days when I wondered if I had done the right thing leaving my marriage, as miserable as it was. However, I know I learned. I learned what I needed from a man, what I wanted, what I found essential. I ended up in situations where I thought I was in a relationship and later learned otherwise. I also learned that I was getting quite invested in every situation and broken hearted when it didn't work out. Left alone to start again.

I knew I didn't want "just sex" as that was the only thing I seemed to be about to get from my now ex-husband. Still, somehow, that seemed to be what I kept ending up with.

I dated people I met at work, although not co-workers, as our company only had a handful of employees. I learned to play pool and built a rapport with a couple of bartenders that would lookout for me. Although I wasn't a drinker, I spent some time at my local pubs yet nothing every came of it. Bars are such a meat market and I was not interested in that.

So after a couples years I stared to get myself together. I began working on my mental and emotional health, talking about failed relationships. I got promoted at work and then went on to a new job that allows me much more independence and sense of accomplishment. I started buying a house and growing out my hair. I began working out to shed some pounds that made me shutter every time I walked passed a mirror.

I got into a good routine and was so happy in it, I began to worry. I saw women at my new job that are staring down retirement, all alone and happy to be. I didn't want to be that girl. I didn't want that to be me so I decided I had better get moving before I got too set in my ways.

I started to think about how I could makes myself "more attractive to a buyer". Here is what I did...

1. I quit smoking

2. Kept up the work out routine

3. Had my hair done. I'd been working on growing my hair out, now I had some highlights put in to lighten it up. Hair that is too dark, as mine was, can be harsh on your face.

4.. Spruced up my profiles and dove into online dating.

5. Decided to hold out. I had been told by a guy friend or two that I'd been going to bed with men too early and decided I would hold out for a couple months while getting to know someone. I figured by the time the couple months was up, we'd be all strung out for each other. That sounded good to me, but I'm not going to lie, I knew it would be a challenge. Not only because I'm a very sensual woman, but I am also someone who naturally want to please people.

I then wrote a list of three simple things I'm looking for:

1. A man who has his head on straight. This means he has a job and a car. He's not an addict and he's not screwing his ex. He values people and relationships.

2. A man I get along with well. This means he isn't verbally or physically abusive. He's not withdrawn but instead open and honest and we have the ability to work things out together, without hurting each other.

3. Crazy Chemistry. I want someone I've got crazy chemistry with. I've met people before and known right away that there was a strong pull between us. Usually these people end up being important in my life and even a soul mate of sorts. I mean a soul mate as the writer Thomas Moore describes them in his book Soul Mates. "A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace."

It seems simple, doesn't it?? Just three basic categories, and yet I have invariably found only two out of the three. Still, this time I am determined to do things right. I've been married twice already, I've got to do it right this time.

I also began to read Susan Page's book "If I'm So Wonderful, Why am I Still Single". I decided to be single with a vengeance and meet LOTS of people, date different types of men. This serves to not only stop me from jumping into an instant relationship but also to get to know people before committing to a situation and not become overly invested in one situation.

At first I kept meeting the same type of men I had always known. They were men that expected me to pull the largest share of the load. It stayed that way for a little bit, until all of a sudden it seemed as though I was meeting one incredible attractive and unique man after another. A chef that owned two restaurants, a marketing guy, a broker. I was starting to see that there are fantastic intriguing people in the world. My only options are not just the chauvinistic outdoors men that populate my tiny mid-western town.

The first one I met was "The Broker". He lives in a an even smaller town outside of mine. He is multifaceted, strong and fun. He grew up with a similar background. Son of a single Mom, he is opinionated and hardworking. He was also about 15 years older than me.

The Broker opened my eyes to the fact that I have been living in a box, and that is not the way I want my life to be. I want my life to be full of adventure and fabulous hilarious stories. I want my life to be exciting and full of unique accomplished people. I want to live life to the fullest, in short, to be extraordinary.

So now I am standing at the jumping off point of this journey... won't you join me?