8 Rules For Dating a Single Mom
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another hub inspired by How To Date The Single Mom
If you are going to date a single Mom, there are seriously some things you should know... So here are 8 little tips for avoiding Mommy rampages, and dating deal breakers!
1. Do as you're told.
Or, as you're asked, I should say. Respect her boundaries.. This sounds simple, doesn't it? Keep in mind, though, you are on dangerous ground here!
If she tells you that her days with her kids are HERS and hers alone, then don't be asking to come over for a late night movie or booty call. She may go along with it for a short time, but she's got work, and chasing kids, and gigantic loads of laundry to deal with. The lack of sleep is bound to get to her, not to mention your complete disregard for her expressed wishes.
As single Mom's we've had enough of people not hearing a damn thing we say. That's the kid's job, not yours! It may even be the reason she left her ex.
2. Never refer to her children in a negative manner.
Once again, this seems like common sense, but from personal experience I know it's not. One of my sweetest, smartest friends once said "I don't have kids to deal with on top of everything else." Talk about Mommy Meltdown!! It was a good thing he sent that little snippet over text message or he might have been taken down!
Our children are certainly NOT "something to deal with on top of everything else." Blame the damn dishes, or her job, or bills.. but stay away from the kids. Even though they often drive us crazy, and I've described my angels as being "hell on wheels" more than once-- they are our precious babies.
3. Don't bestow your stellar parenting advice on her.
You catch the sarcasm there? Especially if you are not an active parent or even a parent at all. Just take a step back and realize that it's not your place, otherwise I hope you're wearing your cup because those can be fighting words.
If you do venture into these waters, as openness and honesty is important in a relationship, chose your words and timing wisely! Not enough tact and she will see this as an attack, and criticism of her parenting and you have NO idea what she goes through.
Each day is littered with constant battles. She's trying to keep her head and be loving while also trying not to go completely insane because no matter how many times she tells her child "I'm not your servant" he retains an authoritative, entitled tone to his voice.
This one can be especially hard for single Dads dating single Moms. Single Dads (with at least close to 50% custody. If you are one of those guys that calls yourself a single Dad but sees your child at your own damn convenience, you don't count!) generally have great things to offer, but once again go about it gently and keep in mind Moms and Dads have different roles and different personas. God made us that way on purpose.
Also, talk to her about parenting and see at what point she feels it is appropriate for you to speak up. Most of all don't get angry or disapproving of her parenting style. If you don't think she's a good parent or you can't show a little respect for her difference of style and opinion then maybe you should consider calling it a deal breaker before she does!
4. Don't get on her case about meeting the children.
Are you crazy? You'll meet them when she's ready for you to meet them. She's just being a responsible mother keeping you at bay. Plus, ask about it too much and you will never get to meet them because it starts to get creepy after a while.
5. Don't try be Dad.
Keep in mind, especially if the children have their father in their lives, you aren't there for that purpose. You are there for her. Treat her as such.
I've said many times to my ex boyfriend. You're here for me. They have their Dad. You're my crack of sunlight. Single Moms often times run around all day taking care of other people. The man in her life is there to make her feel good.
Keep rolling with this, pamper her a little and not only do you avoid deal breakers, but you may become her new hero!
6. Remind her that she's "one hot momma".
Remember there is usually no one else in her life doing this. She's the one dolling out the self esteem boosting compliments and kisses on boo boos. It feels very June Cleaver sometimes, and we need to be reminded that we are sexy and lusted after. Plus, if she feels you see her as some sort of motherly figure, I can guarantee there's a big ol' glass of "deal breaker" in your future!
7. Don't let down the kids or she'll be forced to hurt you.
So the day comes and you get to meet the kids. Congratulations! This is big. Now you have to be consistent.
If she tells the kids you are coming over for dinner, they get visions of you playing xbox with them again dance in their little heads. You don't show and she gets to hear, about a thousand times over and over again. Where is he, Mom? You said he was going to come over. Why isn't he here?
Be particularly aware if you've been around the children a lot and bonded with them, because if the questions become sad little moping faces it's a whole new ball game. Your risk goes from repeated shin kicks to anger that will melt your face off.
8. Don't hurt the children or you will be killed.
Ok, so you realize I may be exaggerating, but then again how well do you really know her? Do you know whether or not she can have someone "disappear"?
Nearly every woman I know has that protective tigress in her when it comes to her children, and single Mom's have that passion twice as strong. So hands off!
If I ever caught a man laying hands on my children in a violent or sexual manner, he'd be fucking lucky to get arrested. He'd better hope he gets arrested because I'll definitely tell their father, and he's a big scary dude. That idiot had better be in jail thanking his lucky stars that he didn't have all his limbs and facial bones broken before he got there.
On that note, good luck with your single Mom! Also, one last thing... although I may have made it look like a mine field, don't be fooled, there are million more wonderful things about dating a single Mom than there are negative!
CommentsLoading...
I'm going to approve this comment just so I can reply and tell you what a horses ass you are! First of all, you are EXACTLY the type of man that should NOT EVER be offering parenting advice or criticising anyones parenting. You have no idea what a single Mom goes through daily basis. Even if you married one, because she's not single any more, right?
And of course, being exactly of the type of man I said should NOT give advice, you actually believe it's anyone's place to point out parenting flaws. I hope you get PLENTY of that around every stinkin corner when your baby arrives!
Second, this is a humorous article. I'm sure you knew that as u didn't complain about my saying "you will be killed" or "she'll be forced to hurt you"... So I can only assume either you have some issues or you were just trying to be a jerk in taking my obvious joke "do as you're told" seriously. And I NEVER said it ONLY applies to single Moms.
Third, it is NEVER ok to tell someone you are dating that her children are little devils. I don't care what you say. Didn't your mother ever tell you "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all?" YES, honestly is important, but so is tact! Also, IF you honestly feel this way then you need to move on!
Just like you can move on to someone else's hubs to post your Mr. Know It All comments. To quote rockinjoe "PISS OFF FACTOR: OFF THE METER"
I appreciate your authorization, even if only to rebuke me. I fully understood your humor, though mine appears to be a little less funny :)
A few points to consider however, if you feel so inclined.
First; I do fully understand what a single mom goes through. Unlike the stereotypical male, I did pay attention to my mate during our courtship and she made no small point of explaining the difficulties that I may not see first hand, eg. chaffed nipples from breast feeding and riding the bus don't mix. Not your typical guy data I know.
Second; Obvious bad parenting eg. starting battles with your child in the grocery store, should be as equally condemned as smoking in a public area or some other social disorder that would warrant comment. Both in public view and out, I agree tack needs to be employed when offering constructive criticism. However, cowardice and embarrassment when it comes to instruction has been one of many causes of social degradation. Though we have come to believe it is "none of our business" it is anything but. Society and community are a team effort. Child rearing is no exception from this.
Third; I think you jumped into a defensive position on the "your kids are devils" bit. I understand that these are your kids and you will love them regardless of anything. My point was not that its ok to put down a woman's child, but rather that if you are harboring ill thoughts of a child for long periods of time, this will be a toxic and dangerous position for the child as well as the male as rule 8 kicks in at that point.
I say all this out of personal experience, not knowitallism. I know first hand that discovering your mate hates your kids months, or even years into a relationship is not only bad for the relationship, but extremely harmful to the children. At no point did I mean to offend you, I just thought that perhaps some input from the male perspective might be welcome on this topic.
Scott
You make some good points, Scott. However, there are many points I still disagree with you on.
For instance, you may have paid attention to the struggles of the single mother during your courtship, but you can never truly understand unless you have been there. Just as a cops wife can pay attention, listen to him and even go on ride alongs, but she can never truly understand unless she herself is also a cop.
Plus your extremely long comments are screaming at me to say.. If you'd like to impart your knowlege, do it in your own hub.
I would not wish to trod over someone elses hub in such an attempt. It suffices to say that you covered pretty much everything here :)
Scott
Wow, great concept. I just emailed this to a buddy that is starting to date a Mom. I know that he will read this and think that he knows better, but I just wanted something that I could point to afterwards and say, I told you so!
Thanks!
Don't let them down and don't hurt them... couldn't agree more as a single mom!
The rest I'm willing to discuss - but usually with a meat cleaver in my hand!
Good hub x
Well, I guess I can't say if these are totally true since I don't know anything about dating as a single mother, but these rules certainly sound logical, and I think they're good to mention because I could, say, imagine a guy trying to help a woman out by being a dad to the kids, etc. Thanks for laying these out!
Does it ever really work? I fear I've been single for too long. I'm not open anymore. I like my privacy; I don't even want guys at my house EVER. It's like I just don't want them to be involved in that part of my life. For one crazy reason or another, it always ends... And I wonder if I'm even able to let go at this point. So many regrets, yet so many lessons learned, right? Now, I just try to keep the fortress protected. :) Good luck???
Yes, I think it can work, but you have to work through those feelings. I find mine are up and down... I'm open and then closed again, but working through it and making progress
I have just started a relationship with a beautiful, caring, and intellectual single mother of three. This article provides great food for thought. I appreciate Mr. Mandrake's comments from his exprience as well. I believe acceptance, honesty and understanding are are a necessary for all loving relationships. Right now, I know she wants us to focus on each other. If we are good together, then my relationship with her kids will evolve as needed. It is a little bit more complicated than a one on one relationship, but she's well worth it. I bring patience.
As a widowed single father for many years, I can say I have no problem with my girlfriend (who has never had children of her own) adding in her two cents about child rearing, even if I disagree with her.
blue.lotus, you need to get off your high horse. I can sit here as a person who has never been a cop before (to use your example) but I know when I see one driving 90MPH on the freeway JUST BECAUSE HE CAN, he is doing something wrong! And I will criticize him, even if I dont know what its like to be a cop!
Mister Mom,
I will stay on my high horse just as long as I please!
You are entitled to your opinion, and this is mine... sarcasm, humor, and gritty honesty all wrapped up in one.
Thanks for reading though!
-blue
You were hard on Scott. As it was your experience and opinion about writing the article, he too was just stating his opinion from his personal stand point as a man. Journalism 101...if you write it, people will comment on it.
I personally enjoyed your article, very insightful and thought provoking for me. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Jeffrey
Jeff-
I don't need journalism 101 thank you very much. Passed that with flying colors a long time ago.
I do understand that people will comment. That is one of my FAVORITE things about hubpages. However, that does not mean I have to agree. It also does not mean I can not argue my point in return.
Yes, I was harsh with Scott and I think I explained very clearly why. Comments are a wonderful thing, but I believe they are meant to be fairly brief. At some point, it's time to just write your own hub.
Thanks for reading :)
-blue
Hi all. Ive been a 365 ole custody dad going on 11 years now. My sons are 11 and 14. It's an unbelievably smooth ride with the exception of woman in my/our life.
Of the few Ive dated/had relationships with, most are very forceful in directly/through me disciplining/making comments on etc....
This single facet has been a major upsetter. Dont woman get the picture? It's like, "Hey, I'm a parent just like you. I don't run around with my nose up you and your kids behinds, then chase you down about what they are doing wrong, what YOU are doing wrong as a parent. What is it that makes you THINK you have the right to do that with my kids regardless if we've dated/lived together mutiple years? Adios amiga, we dont play that here.
Don't get me wrong, Im open to all ideas and suggestions, but I do reserve the right as their sole and only daily parent (mom's a constant no-show last 10 years) My God some of these woman obsess no it to no end.
Its like, "Hey, (whatever her name is) I feel I have the same right you excercised to raie your kid, "For better or worse."
Im a college grad-homeowner who doesnt drink and loves being a responsible parent to my two sons EVERY DAY!!!
What is it, woman resents the fact that Im one of the few sole custody dads?
GET OVER IT. ITS NOT WHATS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS THAT COUNTS WHEN IT COMES TO PARENTING!!!
*****MAKE A LIST, YOU"LL SEE*****
preach on, brother! Good for you, evryday single dad! I'm sure that situation is difficult for your boys too. Kudos for drawing the line. Hope you find someone that melds well with your family. :)
Blue. Lotus I have to say I have enjoyed not only your hub but how you have stood up to every comment. I am a single mother and I love it. I have been divorced for 6 years and have yet to get into a relationship for several reasons and I feel having to deal with that is a huge part of it. Good job on the hub...glad I came across it.
Blue lotus, thanks for this. I have been saying many of these things to the man I have been dating, yet somehow the whole butting his nose in on my parenting and saying things about my sons behavior to others continues to happen. After a year and a half you would think that it would be very clear. Seriously considering ending it now. I have sole custody of my almost 4yr old boy. He has seen a lot in his few years and I work very hard to shower him with love and acceptance, yet also to be consistent with discipline. It becomes hard when you are dating someone who starts to do some things in their personal life that they take no responsibility for and then to talk about my parenting and intervene while I am disciplining. It has started to make me feel like he is undermining my authority with my son and crossing a line that he was never asked to step over. My son is MINE and always will be. If anything, that is what a man or woman dating a single parent needs to know. The kids will ALWAYS come first, so get over it!!!!
Nice to have some "rah-rah!!" from some other single parents out there! Thank you guys! & good luck with your relationship challenges. I'm rooting for you!
Loving the blogs Blue, loved this one in particular. I was very lucky when dating my (now) husband that when it came to parenting I stepped in when he wanted me to and left it to him when he wanted me to and we never had any blow-outs about raising his son. We hit it tag-team style once all that brand new dating stuff was over with and for us it worked. I can totally understand why he might have gotten offended by my behavior if he didn't want me to ever intervene though, and I'm very grateful we never had to have one of those awkward or upset talks and it came so naturally in our case. In the meantime, you and your readers keep those daters in line! :-)
I´m currently dating a divorce mom with 2 children. I mith say that I´m 31 years old never been married or have children of my own I don´t know if this is relevant but I´m from México so excuse my bad spelling. She is 34 and I started to court her before I knew her situation thing is a rely like her but don´t really know wath I´m geting in to.
I have been dating a great mother of three. She has such a huge heart. I am having some issues from time to time with patience. I want nothing more than for this to bloom into something great. She does feel the same and wants me to meet her kids. I am a divorced father of one and have custody of her. I too want her to meet my 14 year old too and do understand that we have to be smart and mature about this. I appreciate the column that was written and it helps out a ton. I want to do the right thing and be respectful in all areas for this girl,her kids,and my own. I am completely honest with her on everything. I just have a fear of either pushing too hard and smoothering her or not doing anything and she feels like I don't care anymore. (my feelings) I am my own worst critic! I feel like there is a small line and I don't wanna cross either one of them. Did I mention I'm alittle OCD lol But do believe that Knowledge is Power though!
I've been a single mother for over a year now. I'm in the military and it's so hard. The father doesn't care and it hurts me to have my child in child care 70-80 hours a week. I would love to get ets and spend more time with my kid, but unfortunately I was stuck with all the debt because I had the most income in addition, I had to pay him alimony because he quit his job (yet he is more educated than me) It's so hard to trust anyone and I totally understand this article... If anyone even a friend steps on my toes as a mother, I flip a switch... if you have not been in my shoes, you don't have any room to talk. I usually don't give anyone the time of day because I was burned so badly previously. I can't even imagine introducing anyone into my child's life at this point.
How about one rule: don't do it!
Single parents should only date other single parents
Nice little opinion you've got there... Too bad the only person in this world that you can control is YOURSELF
You have to work through things at your own pace. I served in the Marines as a young girl, and I know the military certainly isn't easy on single parents. Sending prayers and good vibes your way.
I know those feelings well... For me, as time goes on, I feel more comfortable in the situation and not so afraid I'm going to make a wrong move. Your heart seems to totally be in the right place :D Best of luck to you in your romance.
Thanks for article, I started dating few months back and while it is lovely and exciting in equal measures I find myself feeling torn all the time and guilty and unclear. In fact Im starting to think it all too much and the only thing I can be sure of is myself and my son. I just dont know how to trust or share. Like you say you can only really rely on yourself. Maybe in time things will work out.
HAHA... As a single father (full custody) dating a single mom, Id like to post some thoughts here, but I see so much estrogen, I'm quite scared.
Ha! We are much sweeter than men are when it comes to this sort of thing. Thnks for reading.
Excellent hub. Here in Nigeria, being a single mom is suicidal! The society simply has no convenient place for such people and am hoping that the chronic doctor, time, will cure that with time. Excellent hub once again! Voted up and useful
i am going to print this out or email it to any guy who shows interest in me in the future because i am so sick of guys that want to come over at night to "snuggle" or think its ok to ask questions like "do you work?" its like, yea im a full time mother, i just say "i work full time but i dont have a full time paying job no" or they want you to go on dates at ridiculous times and they offer the excellent suggestion of "get a babysitter" would you let a stranger drive your car or stay in your house alone? why just pay a stranger to take your child? but the worst thing that i cannot stand is the way that they just dont understand you cant just do what u want when you want! you have kids to take care of and do homework with and washing and cooking to do!! and im sick of the text message at 10pm every night.. "how was your day, what did you get up to?" every time i reply with "got kids off to school, ran errands, cooked, washing, homework, bed, now im going to bed" adn then getting told im boring or "sounds fun" grrrrr just go away.
I certainly get where you are coming from, Angela. Hang in there tho. I truly believe -and I've met a lot of men in my lifetime- they are NOT all the same.
Well I just wanted to comment on a few things in this article. I have dated single moms myself, several times, and a few of the things on this list sound like "wishes" or "please do's" and not the rules that must he must abide by. I am not a woman's crack of sunlight that must constantly remind her of how special she is. A woman has a part in a relationship just as much as I do. There are equal parts to this. A woman who has kids needs to be ready to have a relationship and this means making time for one. Not all single moms can do this. A woman that needs to be comforted, reminded of how hot she is, etc, is not someone I want to be with. If I am dating her I like her. Needing to be reminded she is attractive is needy. No single mom I've ever dated acted like this. In fact, most single moms are extremely independent and a lot of times don't like that type of thing...at all. And for your last point, well, how do you know I'm not a guy bigger than the kids father? Cause, not every guy reading this is a pencil neck little geek. :)
Is this woman really worth all the bull you have to endure after all?
Every person needs to be comforted and know his or her partner cares for them and finds them attractive. It's not needy, it's just human nature.
Only you can decide what's right for you.
I truely agree with do not hurt the kids. No do not even think about raising your voice to my child or touching him. I will hurt you. Its that protectiveness that we have just like momma bears have for there cubs.
Great tips! Practical, believable and applicable for people who are dating a single parent. Remember, they are not your usual dates, they have different priorities and they have kids. You should not only consider the parent you are dating but the kids as well. Great article! Keep it up.
Though I think the (blue.lotus) comments are valuable, it's almost like you have a chip on your shoulder. It's the internet for crying out loud. "Get your own HUB"? Hmmmm?? If not for Scotts comments with yours, it would had been another boring HUB....
Yeah I hope you found someone because you are pretty bitter... It should not become a task for a guy to date a single mother... thats why it does not work a lot of the time. No matter the situation.. if you are understanding of one another it can work
I've been in a 3 year relationship with a single mother and in my opinion it's a no-win situation. Regardless of how much love and affection I shower on my partner, I will always come second to her child. I'm expected to pay for everything, and although it can get very expensive, its normally taken for granted. She spoils her child and is very over-protective, meaning that any attempts to assert some authority always end in conflict. There's very little time for intimacy between us, and sex is a rare occurence. The whole thing is extremely demanding, both financially and mentally, and knowing that the real father is currently with his 3rd pregnant girlfriend doesn't help matters.
Scott Mandrake 3 years ago
As a man who dated a single mom for a year before meeting her kids I can agree with this entire hub with the exception of rules 1-3.
Rule 1 would only apply within the boundry of respect. As you mentioned, showing up on kid days uninvited is rude just as showing up uninvited with anyone should be rude. This policy is somewhat universal and does not apply only to single moms. However, if the single mom your are dating is looking for another person in her life to do as she wants, at her beck and call, tell her to get a dog.
Rule 2 If you really wish a relationship to last, be honest from day one. If you feel her kids are little devils, it will do you no good to pretend otherwise. Eventually you will resent having to keep your mouth shut, and worse, once she finds out how you really feel she may wish you to leave. Changing attitudes mid relationship is hard for anyone, especially so if there are kids involved.
Rule 3 My experience of child rearing was limited to helping my mom with my youngest brother. Many would feel that this did not qualify me for dad of the year, nor would I expect it too. However, nobody is perfect and nobody is always right, even if mommies would like to think so. If, even in the course of dating a single mommy you notice a serious flaw in parentage, say so. This is anyones place to do so. How a person deals with this advice is up to them. If this critism can not be handled maturly you may want to reconsider your future mate. Any good mom knows that she could always learn to do better for the kids and believe me they have doubts as to whether they are doing a good job ALL the time. Being critical is bad, constructive good, however being honest is key. If your mommy can't handle the truth, move along.
As it stands I have successfully brought my new mrs, up from the states with her three kids and we have a new baby on the way. Best advice one can offer when dating a single mom is to be honest from the start, even if it means the occacional tossed shoe :)
Scott